How to get the girl
DATING BOOTCAMP: Dating boot camp is designed to make men irresistible to the opposite sex. EOIN BUTLER signs up
THE POLISH GIRL with the tea trolley must be wondering what the hell is going on. A tall, athletic young man in a tight-fitting black T-shirt is standing in the centre of Room 202. His hair is meticulously tousled and a tacky necklace pendant bobbles on his chest. He is a rising inter-county hurling star, but that probably doesnt ring any bells with her. Shes more likely to have noticed that hes holding the hand of another (identically kitted-out) young man and leading him in a graceful twirl around on the spot.
On the far side of the room, a third boyband clone is filming the pair on a digital camcorder.
With as much nonchalance as she can feign, the hotel worker wheels the trolley across the room, lifts the tray onto the table, turns around and stops. It is only now she realises that there are eight more men seated behind desks at the back of the room. They are scribbling notes and concentrating intently. She asks if therell be anything else. There wont be. The girl smiles politely and departs; the trolley still accelerating even as it bounces through the doorframe.
The young man holding court here is Stephen Nolan, a 23-year-old UCD graduate and Wexford hurler. He is the CEO of Kama Lifestyles and a self-proclaimed world-class pick-up artist. Six students have each paid 300 to attend this two-day dating boot camp, which he is giving alongside his 33-year-old Turkish business partner, and fellow PUA (pick-up artist) extraordinaire, Emre Ilkme.
Although date coaching has been big business in the US since the publication of Neil Strausss seduction bible, The Game , in 2005, it remains a relatively new phenomenon in this country. Nolan, who is a teacher by profession, suspected that he would be exposing himself to ridicule when he embarked upon this venture. He was right. Stephen Nolan: Love God read one sarcastic thread title on GAA website An Fear Rua . Stephen Nolan Embarrassing Himself chimed in Boards.ie.
But the Faythe Harriers clubman has taken it in his stride. There have been some remarks in the dressing room alright, he admits. But Id be pretty good at holding my own. Nine times out of 10, the fella slagging you isnt even in a relationship himself. His arms are folded tightly hes completely closed off. Body language is something Nolan is acutely attuned to. If you go to any bar in the country, youll see single men standing against a wall, protecting themselves behind their pints. These guys have to drink themselves stupid before they ever have the confidence to approach women.
A better idea, Nolan argues, is to take a more methodical approach. There are coaches for diets, fitness, even job interviews. So why not for dating? he asks. His students today are a mixed bag. One of them (lets call him Nicky) is a 27-year-old Monaghan solicitor, who bears a passing resemblance to Nicky Byrne of Westlife. Nicky is clearly something of a ladies man the old T-shirt-and-suit-jacket combo give that much away. But hes just come out of a relationship and wants to brush up on his technique.
On the other end of the Lothario spectrum is Felix, a quietly spoken 35-year-old financial analyst from Germany, who lives in Dublin. Felix has never had a girlfriend and, when he does feel obliged to speak, tends to blush rather a lot. Others wannabe Don Juans have travelled from Waterford, Laois and Kildare to be here today. None has advised their friends or families of the true purpose of their visit.
The first seminar kicks off with some pop psychology. The fear of rejection, Ilkme explains, is a hangover from caveman times. With a limited number of women available for procreation in a given tribe, rejection from one would severely diminish a mans stock in the eyes of the rest. Nowadays, though, most of us live in large towns and cities teeming with potential partners. Rejection, therefore, should not hold any fear. Besides, when ones advances are spurned, its not the person that is being rejected, only his approach.
Nolan outlines the basics of approach theory. Striking up conversation with a group of women is referred to as opening up a set. Physical contact vital in communicating the romantic nature of your intentions is kino. Occupying the most strategically advantageous space within a group, meanwhile, is securing the position of power.
It is for that reason that the twirl manoeuvre (which Nolan is demonstrating when refreshments arrive) is doubly useful. Not only does it necessitate physical contact, it also allows subtle positional readjustments to be engineered. (If youre ever out and you see a guy twirling a girl hes chatting up, he confides, hes a PUA guaranteed.)
Some of Nolan and Ilkmes tricks and chat-up lines are undeniably cheesy. (One kino technique involves asking a girl where shes from, and then telling her that your best friend is from the same place. The girl is then offered a celebratory high five, which she will enthusiastically agree to . . . assuming shes an idiot.)
But theres nothing particularly sleazy about them. If Im honest, I was probably secretly hoping to witness a torrent of pseudo-science, psychobabble, misogyny and narcissism (think Tom Cruises character in Magnolia). But a lot of what Kama Lifestyles teach actually makes some sense to me. If youve ever received a text message from a potential romantic interest and, for no particular reason, waited a couple of hours before replying, then youve already played this game. All Nolan and Ilkme are doing is sharing wisdom gleaned from a whole lot more trial and error. Their list of Crucial Mistakes to Avoid Making with Women, for instance, reads like a potted history of every romantic relationship Ive been in in my entire life.
Nolan continually stresses the vital importance of thinking and acting like an alpha male. Being an alpha male doesnt come naturally to every man, he concedes, but it can be learned and must be practised.
That evening at dinner, I order the pasta carbonara. Nolan tells the waitress hell have the biggest steak on the menu. Already, I suspect, Ive missed a trick. I order a beer. Nolan says hell stick with the mineral water, thanks. Why, I ask him, should we believe that his success with women has anything to do with his mastery of game theory? Mightnt it conceivably have much more to do with the fact that hes a young, handsome, tee-total sports star?
Physical appearance is only a small component of what women look for in a man, he replies. Really? Look, he says, a girl might have a prototype in her head of what shes looking for and, fair enough, you mightnt exactly fit that. But you have a good personality, and an interesting job. All youve got to do is get through the first minutes and shell forget about the rest.
It reassuring to know: once a potential conquest doesnt throw up on me in the opening five minutes, the world is my oyster.
Now its time for the class to put into practice what weve learned. But before we hit the bars, we each have to rehearse our own CHV (Convey Higher Value) stories pre-prepared anecdotes which showcase our most attractive alpha male qualities in front of the group. Somewhat counterintuitively, Nolan recommends that our stories make mention of at least one ex-girlfriend with whom we are still on friendly terms.
Thus Nicky find himself awkwardly having to shoehorn mention of his former girlfriend, and how well they still get along, into an anecdote about his passion for painting. Verbal gymnastics are required also by Brendan from Waterford, to squeeze his ex into a tale of how he once used alpha male cunning to avoid a conviction for public urination. (Im not sure p***ing on the street is the side of your personality you want to be showcasing there, Brendan, Nolan winces.)
Only Felix comes up blank. Under cross-examination, he admits to having briefly taken kick boxing classes as a teenager. Use that, says Nolan. Tell us about some big kick boxing fight you won!
But Im not a fighter, Felix whispers. Im a peaceful person.
THE GROUP SPLITS in two before we head out. The crew Im rolling with tonight consists of (1) Ilkme; smooth-talking, balding Turkish Casanova. (2) Sean; suited and booted skinhead, bodybuilder and former male stripper from Finglas. (3) Felix; slight, reserved German with the tortured expression of a reluctant conscript about to go over the top. (4) Monaghan solicitor Nicky; tanned, suave, could pass for an extra from Miami Vice . (5) Yours truly, pale, charmless, could pass for an extra from The Bill .
Were a lovely bunch of lads, no doubt, but Im not sure that we make the most convincing gang of friends. Felix is visibly terrified of Sean, for starters.
First into the fray, when we arrive at The Morgan in Temple Bar, is Ilkme. Promising to show his pupils how its done, he makes a beeline for the two most glamorous women in the bar and strikes up a conversation. His approach is not well received at first. Its car-crash viewing, in fact. When one of the pair appears to asks him why the Bash Street Kids are standing five feet away, sipping mineral water and taking notes, I flee to the toilet in embarrassment.
When I return, something extraordinary has happened. Whatever Ilkme did while I was gone, the two women are now eating out of his hand. Hes showboating at this point, high-fiving one girl and twirling the other. This is exhibition stuff, like watching the Harlem Globetrotters in action. When he finally attempts to make his excuses, the two women try to forcibly prevent him from leaving. This is not being staged for my benefit its for real and it is mightily impressive.
In the far corner of the bar, meanwhile, Nicky has opened up a three set (engaged three girls in conversation), he tells me. But the girl hes interested in is diagonally across the table from him, hemmed in by two walls and her friends. The two of us wrack our brains . . . What would a true alpha dog do in this situation? Somersault across the table? Demolish the partition wall, perhaps?
Glancing across the bar, I notice that even Felix has now taken the plunge. Hes holding his mineral water so tightly the glass is in danger of cracking. But hes talking to two real women and theyre really talking back to him. No sooner has he established a bridgehead than Sean, the terrifying ex-stripper from Finglas, has bounded over. He greets Felix like a long lost friend. Felix, mate! he roars. Still doing the old kick boxing? Man, you were always an animal in the ring!
Its now or never for me. The CHV story Nolan has recommended I use centres upon my having visited Gaza alone last year, to deliver supplies from Irish Medical Aid for Palestine to the besieged territory.
Apparently, this story showcases just the right combination of concern for my fellow man and disregard for my own personal safety. I spot a girl standing alone at the bar and pounce. After a short, cursory preamble, I opine that there is much injustice and suffering in the world. Her nodding in vague agreement is all the encouragement I need to segue directly into the Gaza anecdote. Of course, I have to make a couple of changes to the story. Instead of me getting interrogated by the Israeli army for two and a half hours in this telling of the story, I interrogate them. There are a couple of other changes too. What was your ex-girlfriend doing in the Gaza Strip? interrupts a rather baffled-looking Lorraine (or was it Lauren?) at one point.
But Im on a roll now. Oh, its a long story," I tell her, "A long, long story . . .
Dating boot camps are being staged in Dublin on July 18th-19th and August 8th-9th. The cost is 300. See www.kamalifestyles.com
WINGMAN RULES
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Go to the set on your own and invite your wing. Translation: Two guys should not approach a group of girls together. One goes first and, after he has broken the ice, he invites his friend to join them.
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Whoever opens the set chooses the targets. Translation: Whoever breaks the ice chooses which girl he is interested in. He signals his intentions, when the wingman joins the group, by introducing her first.
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Wingman occupies the other girls in set. Translation: Even if he isnt interested in any of them, the wingman should make friendly conversation with the targets friends. This gives the main man room to make his move.
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Do not compete with the main man. Translation: Even if the main mans target flirts with the wingman, he should not reciprocate. He should instead respond by directing flattering attention back to the main man.
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Raise the main mans value and he will do the same. Translation: Tell jokes and anecdotes that cast each other in a positive light. (e.g. Did anyone read in the paper about Eoin dragging those orphans from that burning building last week?)
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Do not leave until the main man closes the set. Translation: The main man decides if and when to move on.
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Respect each others feelings and never go against each other. There are lots of girls out there, but a good wingman is rare.
:D…