Ah jaysus. RIP to both.
The kid in the first one will never be the same again.
One of the threads you hate seeing bumped. RIP to both, I hope they find peace and loved ones find strength to move forward.
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This is a deeply selfish post given that two good men on here died this year and never felt sorry for themselves during their illnesses and there are others with worse problems of the same variety as myself on here who arenāt drama queens feeling sorry for themselves, but here goes.
I am in a very bad place at the moment. On September 27th I lost the sight in my left eye. I got a detached retina, a bad one, one that fucks up your macula. I was operated on the following day, but I know my sight will likely never come back like it was, it will likely be distorted for life. From my affected eye I now see horrible squiggly lines not straight ones, I see double, my depth perception is gone, things look further away, my vision in my affected eye taunts me every time I open my eyes. The vision in my left eye is wizened, like a stooped over old man. Iām trapped in a head I canāt escape from. I canāt concentrate, I canāt read anything substantial because my ability to concentrate is gone. Canāt imagine ever attending a match in Croke Park, or anywhere, ever again. Canāt imagine working. Canāt imagine going to the pub, or on holiday, or being attractive to anybody, or finding anybody attractive, or being anything other than an ordeal to encounter at home. Canāt imagine being genuinely interested in anything any more. Canāt imagine surviving. I am not resilient. I am delicate and I am that term of derision, a snowflake, at least I currently am.
I was a reasonably happy person. I have never been a person of any great need nor ambition, I liked simple things - going to matches, watching matches, walks, cycling, reading, a few drinks. I was a comfortable in my own company. Now the fear is overpowering, the regret is overpowering and the self hatred is overpowering.
My sense of self has been destroyed. I now feel like two separate people, that my bad self ā the nihilistic self - has done my good self ā the one filled with human ability and potential - a grievous injustice, that my bad self could have saved my good self, but chose not to, chose to allow it die. My bad self could have tried to save my good self by going to a doctor or even an optician in the seven weeks between August 7th and September 25th when there were warning signs but I still had good vision. Instead it laughed at it. I replay over and over in my mind what the outcome would have been had I gone to the hospital as soon as my symptoms started progressing. Every hour feels like a day, every day feels like an hour, every week feels like a year. Just fucking terror mixed with emptiness and a wish to escape. I try to remain vaguely interested in things happening in the world but me trying to be interested is a front - and what is happening with the war, the fucking cruelty and evil of those who inflicted it and the pathetic apologism for them, and all the shit and the widespread embracing of hate and stupidity going on around the world, only depresses me further.
I spent from around last Friday to Monday evening mostly crying and in a state of constant anxiety with a very high heartbeat and yet simultaneously a feeling that my heart had been ripped out. I constantly wanted to scream but couldnāt. On Monday this erupted in a mini-breakdown where I was shrieking and hyperventilating and not being able to stand up for an hour and a half. I ended up prostrate on the front porch, in full view of passers by. Then I had to be carted off to the doctor to be prescribed valium. I slept for about three hours that night and woke up at half three and stared in the dark silently for the rest of the night thinking about where the best place to throw myself under a train would be. Overlooking Galway Bay on the coast road out to Oranmore? Or beside the water tower on the old Dublin road where the train picks up speed? Or in Dublin? A Dart station, under the Belfast train? Over in a flash. Thatās the only way I could do it - minimal effort. My father, who was the greatest friend I will ever have - we finished each otherās sentences - died in a hospital where he lay for 23 days alone. There were four people at his funeral. I am still not over this, but I feel ten times worse now. At least when he died I still had my health.
There have been posters here who have engaged privately with me, fucking great men, generous men, much better men than me, and they have made me feel some sense of worth, and for the last three days until last night I felt mildly better in myself, but they cannot provide the answers I need to hear and this is no fault of them at all. Last night I fell back into the pit of darkness and Iām finding it harder and harder to see a way out. I feel no physical pain but I would take two broken legs over what I have because there would be hope and knowledge they would get better.
I do not really think I am being gaslighted by medical staff where I was operated on but I feel like I am being gaslighted because nobody seems to recover from what I have which is called metamorphopsia. Nobody.
I do not think I am about to end things right now and I donāt want to because of what it would do to my loved ones and because I want to get better and want to have hope that it will ā and I think this is why I have written this ā because I want to be here in six monthsā time and read this and feel stupid and mortified for having written it - but I donāt know how this gets better because every time I open my eyes Iām confronted with it. I feel like Nuala OāFaoilain in that interview with Marian Finucane where she said that she had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and all the joy had gone out of living. Except that she knew it was about to end. Mine has to somehow keep going.
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Look after yourself Sid, Iām no expert but try ring the Samaritans or something and talk to someone
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Thatās a very tough read, I feel that I have to reply, useless as it will probably be.
I donāt have any advice really, my heart goes out to you. I only know you from here, a man of conviction, absolute fearless in the face of constant derision, itās much easier to follow the pack as you well know.
But I only know you from here, you add an awful lot to this silly place, I hope you can find peace and Iām sure you will, just continue to exist, things will improve, take all the professional help you can get
Useless platitudes but I have a lot of admiration for your courage and honesty
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Iād never be able to write like that. You have great talent. So it might take you a bit longer to do things now. But you obviously can still do them just as well.
Things can always be worse. Try be thankful for what you have. Talk to people. Even us wasters on here. Take care.
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Keep the head up, Sid. You mean so much to so many people that you donāt even know about
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I am very sorry to hear you are in such a lonely, sad and troubled place. Genuinely.
I know we disagree on many social issues and sporting issues and have frequently engaged in nasty enough point scoring against each other - which reading your post above makes me ashamed of - but I wouldnāt wish such torment on anyone.
Iām the last person to offer life advice to anyone but what I do know is no matter how difficult life is at the moment self harm or suicide is the very worst option anyone can take.
Pick up the phone and ring someone straight away. Not in an hour, not tonight, not tomorrow, not next week. Straight away. If thereās no family or friend around ring the Samaritans or your GP and make an appointment with a psychotherapist. Guaranteed youāll feel way better after it.
Youāre in a tough place at the moment, it was hard to read someone struggling so badly putting their thoughts together so eloquently there, but there is always help available.
I sincerely wish you the very best of luck and hope you can find happiness. Life is for living.
Sorry again for the horrible things I said to you in the past.
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Thanks and Iām sorry for the horrible things I said to you.
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Look at kid. First of all, its not a selfish post. Indeed it is a very brave and courageous post. Secondly while we all like to have a bash of each other arou d here, I wager that no one takes pleasure in seeing another suffer and genuinely suffer. Indeed look at your post as taki g the first step. I cannot advise you what to do but there are plenty around here who will know how to get you help. ,ook at that post zs the start of recovery and take it from there. Se might be a shoser of cunts around here but we look after our E own
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Youre clearly still grieving and i think talking to someone about this first and foremost will help with the rest. Thereās tonnes of options from low cost counselling to high end. Ive done both and sometimes itās just about the person the other side rather than the qualifications. I can offer no advice about the eye other than you have to keep pushing with healthcare in Ireland. Keep ringing, emailing or you keep getting ignored. The answers are out there but you have to keep fighting for them.
Things might seem bleak now but they will get betterā¦ The hardest part can be taking the initial step, after that things can fall into place quickly.
Keep the head up. Ignore the news for a while. Let positive vibes in and recharge the batteries. Sometimes cutting off the negative people or things in your life can make a big differenceā¦ So put me back on ignore.
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I donāt think we have ever engaged on this forum previously, but I want to take this opportunity to jump in and say that was a very tough read.
This is the nadir, it can get better with time and I think we are all impatient wishing we were back the way we were before. You are still grieving and you have to allow yourself that time. Start by taking small wins.
I have felt that cold sting of depression lately myself, but counselling does help, just someone to listen to us and to care. You said āIām trapped in a head I canāt escape fromā and thatās something we all have to tackle.
Iāve no idea what you are going through, but please take care and mind yourself. Thank you for your honesty and courage. Keep talking, whether in person or online.
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Sid, as others have said get in touch with Samaritanās or Pieta House, Aware or some similar setup close to you. Youāve taken the brave first step by calling it out and posting it. Unfortunately none of us are the right people to help you through this properly. Get in touch with those who are. Weāll always be here for you on the journey
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Sorry your going through this. I donāt have much advice to give but just take it one day at a time. Everything passes and this will too.
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Tough read @Cheasty but a massive step. Try and get the help and support you need. Keep her lit my man
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Sorry to hear how you are feeling sid, you have had such a rough time lately
you are a good guy
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Canāt add anything of value @Cheasty but your honesty is admirable. I hope you can get the support you need. Youāve had a very bad run of it. I genuinely hope things can turn around for you.
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Hang in there Sid, things will get better.
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