The Auld Yarns thread

Culture
108

A yarn which I have on many years of good authority is 100% true.

My oul’ fella used to work in Hawkins House in the 1970s. It was a big open plan office block which the Department of Posts and Telegraphs were renting out. It was apparently a bit of a madhouse, every day was like the last day of school term. This would have been about 1973.

A chap called Eddie used to wander around the office every day casually inquiring what was in people’s bags. “What’s in the bag, John?” “What’s in the bag Mick?” “What’s in the bag Con?” etc. etc. If somebody left their desk, Eddie would have a root around and find out for himself what was in the bag. Eddie kept up this habit for a long time.

Another chap working there named Wilf got progressively sick of Eddie’s nosey ways. One day he came up with a fiendish plan to get back at Eddie.

Wilf brought a bag in to work. As usual Eddie comes around and inquires “What’s in the bag, Wilf?”

“Shite, Eddie, shite”, says Wilf sarcastically. Wilf then gets up and leaves his desk to go to the bathroom.

Sure enough Eddie has a root around Wilf’s bag and suddenly recoils in horror. "Arrrgghh, it is shite, it is shite! Wilf had literally brought in shite in a bag, and Eddie now had it on his hand.

Eddie didn’t root around many bags after that and he definitely didn’t root around Wilf’s bag ever again.

11 Likes
110

Reckon Eddie was robbing sandwiches the cunt!
We’d a few of them chaps on various sites
Nothing that a dead mouse wouldn’t sort like!
And we’d a prick from Donegal always moaning “ Derry wans are always late , holding up the job again FFS “- lazy cunts can’t get out of bed “ etc

When in fact if we were late twas the brits or RUC normally kept us at the border.
This bollox had to be stopped and thought a lesson!

We had our van out earlier one Monday
On tbe road at 6
In the contractors canteen sipping tea and ating baps waiting for our nemesis to come - he did at 7.45

We gave him the” Mon ta fuck ya Donegal prick holding up the job-
Too much wanking again-
Kept at it
He got severely frustrated- fuck fuck ye and yere mams

Anyways we were on site stating work at 7.55 when an almighty roar from the canteen

“ ye duty disgusting cunts”

Who?
“ ye”
Why?
“ ye know why bastards
Somebody’s after shitting into my wellies”:+1:
Stopped his fucking gallop

8 Likes
111

Me dad knew a fella near Ffrenchpark that kept horses. One year he had filly ready for sale. He had a lot of work done on the filly and was worth a few pound. So the filly was brought to a fair in Boyle and the man and filly parted ways when a deal was done with a man from Strokestown.
My Dad’s buddy went home and life was normal. One morning about a 3 weeks or or so later the local Garda dismounted from his bike and enquired about the filly. The Garda reported that the filly had gone missing and suspected stolen. The previous owner stated not knowing anything of the animal since the sale and I suppose the Garda then stroked him of a suspect list as a scam artist or thief.
Roll on another fortnight and the man is settling indoors for the night when he hears a bit of disturbance outside, horses were uneasy. He goes out to the yard and sees nothing wrong but a horse in the stable is uneasy. On coming back up the yard, he spots an animal at his back gate and lo and behold it is the missing filly.
The following morning the man reported the story to the Gardai and in turn the new owner arrived to take the errant filly home. But instead me Dad’s man had the sale price ready for the buyer and returned him his money. The filly went on to be a mammy and a very profitable animal.

3 Likes
112

Feckin hell

113
114
2 Likes
115

#ibelievehim

2 Likes
116

Was doing errands that led me to Carraroe earlier and got a reminder of a lovely aul yarn from Diabhal Sr.

There was a poitĂ­n man called JimmĂ­n based there that had an illegal distillery at his home house. He actually had a film loosely based on him starring Miley from Glenroe and had lads from all over the country enquiring about how to obtain his stuff (uses ranging from pissheadery right through to curing horses of lameness). The home house was conveniently located 3 miles up a bog road with a nice lake beside it. As poitĂ­n was illegal at the time he had a target on his back from local blueshirts and also the Garda SĂ­ochĂĄna. He had a handy system to avoid hassle though:
He had small terriers that would station themselves about a mile up the road and whenever a car was on the way they’d go absolutely postal. When Jimmín heard the barking he would quickly disassemble the home distillery setup in his bath, hide it under a turf fort, would get any bottles he had lying around and then row out to the middle of the lake. He had a nice knowledge of physics so would put all the bottles in a plastic bag and have some sort of pebble that floated to the top so he could safely retrieve at a later date. The road up is an absolute bastard of a thing to traverse too and yours truly actually learnt how to drive on that road every Sunday morning post-Leaving Cert (the real purpose was for the aul lad to buy bottles rather than educate on all matters motor vehicle).

A few decades back the local Garda came and had a quick gawk around the premises after getting a tip-off from a local nosey cunt. He didn’t look too hard and Jimmín was cocky that he was in the clear. As the Garda was about to step into the car he pointed out that Jimmín had left a Roches Stores bag full of messages at the bottom of the lake.

After that Jimmín was to supply two bottles a week to the local station and no more would be said about it. Jimmín’s grandson actually had a distillery in Galway that absolutely fleeces Yanks and gormless sorts.

23 Likes
117

Would jimins grandson be Paraic by any chance?

2 Likes
118

The very man yep

1 Like
119

One of my absolute bessiers runs it :slightly_smiling_face:

1 Like
120

Pádraic’s family are absolute salt of the Earth. You’d be delighted for him. I’d get the sense some of the spirits he’d be sampling would be as strong as tap water though.

121

That explains their tag line - Galway’s first legal distillery in a 100 years

2 Likes
122

So, I was out for a couple of pints with Claire on Saturday and she was telling me about her ex, whose best pal runs a well known fringe festival (not Edinburgh, south coast). So your man invited her ex down for the few days, and they went to the opening night of the comedy. Due to your man’s role, not only were they right at the front, your man brought his three kids (and it was a lairy evening show,). The comedian, not an A Lister, but we’ll enough known started it with the audience. He then saw the kids , and went up to the first one (aged 6) with the microphone. “Right” he says “what’s the rudest word you know?”
The kid thought for a few seconds, before saying “nxxxer” at the top of his voice into the microphone.
The comedian in question moved swiftly on.

11 Likes
123

That’s a lovely auld yarn. Like one of @anon67715551’s, only almost believable

3 Likes
124

People who annoy you

125

IN COURT

Actress claims she was forced to drive drunk to avoid threesome

Foyle’s War star tells court she reversed into parked car ‘in her rush to escape unwanted attentions’

MARTIN EVANSCrime Editor

HONEYSUCKLE WEEKS, the Foyle’s Waractress, has been banned from driving after claiming she was forced to get behind the wheel while drunk to avoid being coerced into a threesome.

Honeysuckle Weeks, pictured, toned down her glamorous look for her appearance at Worthing magistrates’ court, below

Honeysuckle Weeks, pictured, toned down her glamorous look for her appearance at Worthing magistrates’ court, below

The 43-year-old was more than twice the legal drink-drive limit when she reversed into a parked car in Arundel, West Sussex, and drove off.

She was arrested after an off-duty police officer witnessed the incident and stopped her Honda CR-V SUV.

Appearing before Worthing magistrates’ court, the Oxford-educated actress admitted drink-driving but said she had been trying to escape a situation where she feared she would be coerced into having sex.

Mathew Howell, prosecuting, said: “On Monday Nov 28 last year at approximately 7.20pm, the defendant was driving her vehicle in Arundel when she was seen to reverse into a parked car on the street.

“The defendant drove off from the scene before returning 15 seconds later.

“The vehicle was stopped and the police officer realised the driver was drunk.”

Weeks, who was wearing a tweed checked jacket, brown trousers, a grey polo neck jersey and brown boots for her court appearance, told magistrates she had been out drinking with friends on Nov 28 last year and had been invited to stay over for the night.

image

But she said her friend had also invited his lover to stay over and she feared she would be coerced into a threesome.

She said: “I was expecting to stay the night in a friend’s house in Arundel but the man in question invited his lover to the property and I was in danger of being coerced into sexual actions with them, which I found extremely unwelcome.”

Following her arrest, tests showed Weeks had 78 micrograms of alcohol in 100 millilitres of breath – the legal limit is 35 micrograms.

The actress, who has also appeared in episodes of Death in Paradise and Midsomer Murders, pleaded guilty to a single charge of drink driving.

She asked for leniency, explaining she needed her car to take her son to school every day.

Weeks also told the court she did not have a steady income at the moment and was receiving Universal Credit.

She was banned from driving for 20 months, fined ÂŁ120 with ÂŁ85 court costs and ordered to pay a victim surcharge of ÂŁ48.

‘I was in danger of being coerced into sexual actions which I found extremely unwelcome’

She agreed to undertake a drink- driving awareness course which would reduce her driving ban by 20 weeks, meaning her licence could be returned to her in April 2024.

The driving ban is the latest in a series of blows suffered by the actress who made her name playing Samantha Stewart in the long-running ITV detective series Foyle’s War alongside Michael Kitchen.

A self-confessed “wild child” and “hippy”, Weeks dated Hugh Grant, the actor.

She was also engaged to Anno Birkin, an English musician and poet, who was killed in a road traffic accident in Italy in 2001.

In 2005, she married hypnotherapist Lorne Stormonth-Darling in a Buddhist ceremony in the Himalayas followed by a more traditional wedding in London in 2007.

They have one son, who was born in 2011.

In 2015, Weeks, who was educated at Roedean in Brighton before reading English at Pembroke College, Oxford, was ordered to wear an electronic tag after being caught speeding while banned from driving.

In July the following year, she went missing after telling her family she had been suffering from anxiety.

Sussex Police issued an urgent appeal to help find her but she was located safe and well and returned home.

She made no comment as she sheltered from the rain when she left court yesterday.

126

Honeysuckle weeks and Lorne Stormonth-darling.
She lives in a strange world.
Sad oul story that.

1 Like
127

She was a ride in Foyles war.

Pictured here with Brian Kerr

image

4 Likes
128

From Jonathan Wilson’s book on the Charlton brothers.

During Italia 90 when Ireland were based in Sardinia, Mick Byrne was in a ‘boisterous’ mood and knocked into an expensive looking model boat in a shop smashing it to bits.

The owner ran out horrified. Mick apologised sincerely. ‘Me so sorry’. The owner didn’t listen. He called his wife. ‘Me so so sorry’ said Mick again. The couple weren’t listening despite Mick reaffirming his apologies.

Eventually Mick in his broad Dublin accent changed tack.

‘Me not sorry anymore. Fuck you and fuck your boat!!’

7 Likes