Iād imagine the fact that the woman gets everything in a separation is why any man would probably see a loveless relationship as the better solution than having to separate.
Iād have no idea how to help but I hope it works out for you.
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You could do worse than consult with a family law expert and see how they recommend you start putting your house in order in case she pushes the nuclear button. Iād be worried about a woman that works 3+ hours past the time she says sheāll be home and doesnāt phone to say good night to her kids.
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Jesus thatās a tough one chiefā¦ Did anything ever happen to her before ye got married? Best of luck, itās a hard station
For your own sanity and physical health Iād imagine itās for the best to part ways, must be incredibly difficult living under the same roof as someone in those circumstances.
Once the initial adjustment takes place youāll be all the better for it in the long term. Iād imagine itāll feel like a relief to not have to face into that icy, numb, loveless atmosphere on a daily basis. Youāll move on, as will she in time. The kids will still have two loving parents they can rely on.
As the last 15 months have shown - life is for living. Sounds like you are existing and not really happy.
Best of luck with everything, hope it all works for you.
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Nothing out of the ordinary, at least as far as I know. Very close with her family. Has no friendsā¦feels friendship requires sharing too much about herself. Is very private, but open with me, or used to be anyway.
I have a share of the blame here too. She gets cranky easily. I take that personally, clam up. She sees me as being distant. Makes her cranky. Cycle repeats, distance increases.
Should just have accepted that she gets cranky easily and not taken it personally. She was like that before we got married too, not a new development.
I donāt know if that would be the case here. Maybe Iām being naive
Maybe. Will need a lot of figuring out
Thanks. Arenāt I talking to ye 
Yeah the stoicism seems fine until the loneliness kicks in.
Fuck. Thereās a comforting thought.
She loves the kids, but sees them as an impediment to career progression.
You deserve some level of happiness.
Most of us are long enough in the tooth to know that marriage is no bed of roses with plenty compromises but as a basic starting point you need someone to meet you half way and at least try.
What sort of relationship has she with her own parents? She likely a product of her childhood environment.
@ironmoth advice sounds harsh but youād be a fool not to be looking closely at your back up plans.
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The time for comfort is when you have your plans A, B and C mapped out.
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Would agree. Think you need to consider going down the counselling route. Use an intermediary to get some points on the table (on both sides).
A wise person advised me years ago that when you are married you need to make some time for yourselves as a couple outside of kids, work etc. Donāt know if you are too far down the road for that now but maybe thatās something to talk about.
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Well done for communicating this and for communicating with her. Fair play too on raising 4 kids through it all. Hope you are looking after yourself.
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Dont know what to say to you kid except, I wish you the very best in whichever route you decide to take
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I have one bit of advice fwiw. Whatever happens, donāt ever, no matter how tempted or frustrated you are, and no matter what sheās done, say anything bad to the kids about her. It sounds like youāve already done all the right things.
Like you say the kids have a stable safe home, and thatās a great thing.
It seems to me that you have a huge advantage in that you can both stay and work in the area even if in separate houses. The kids will be gone soon enough, and it doesnāt sound like you have a recipe for a happy relationship thereafter.
Iād agree that if you can remain amicable and pragmatic, two houses or one is neither here nor there for the kids.
Kids are brilliant, but you have to look out for yourself also, and as long as you donāt weaponise them, theyāll be fine.
I hope it works out for you. Thereās always whatever help can be got to be found on here, odd as it may seem.
Youāre not alone in this.
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My mother advised me early on that you build the house and your marriage for yourselves, that the kids are only passing through. Before and after them, there is always yourselves.
Iām not sure Iād have any advice on what to do but from reading it, youād do a lot worse than follow both Rocko and IronMoths approaches. Fair play for putting it out there, I hope it helps.
If nothing else Iāll be giving the missus a cuddle shortly.
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Thanks for all the replies lads. Very much appreciated. I donāt know where we go from here. Lotās of very good, pragmatic advice here. Will seek legal advice anyway. Not something that even that crossed my mind before now. Thanks @ironmoth .
Just posting my thoughts here has helped a lot. I bury my emotions deep. She was the first person I ever let in. But the first sign of crankiness I took it personally and I shut her out again. That was wrong. I thought I knew her. All she wanted was kids. Then when kids came along all she wanted was career.
Probably too much hurt to repair. But at least weāre actually talking about it and addressing it now. Who knows. I donāt love her anymore, she doesnāt love me. But we did once, maybe we can again. Unlikely though. Plan for the worst I suppose.
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Donāt go down the road of blame. Itās not constructive, blaming either of you. Itās just life.
Do what you think is necessary now for yourself first and foremost because you need to be at your best to give your kids your best
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Best of luck pal. Lifeās too short to be that unhappy. Get someone to mind the kids and book a weekend away somewhere nice. Have a few drinks see can you spark something bit of lust or an argument, any spark better than inertia. But if it isnāt working start looking after yourself