The marriage difficulties and auld GAA lads from Craobh thread

[Bisto]

I know two lads who have had really shit times …great family men who’s wives just got bored with them around and ran them …like you said now living in one bed apartments seeing their kids for a few hours every week…very sad

[Sad]

Thanks horse. Been here along time. Just posting under a new alias to disguise my other anonymous alias.

Don’t think she’s having an affair. Fairly sure. Unless you count her career. A lot of lads have recommended counselling, and I’ll be looking into that.

@Tank

I have no experience of marriage beyond observing my parents’ one and my response won’t be as good as most of the lads here but I’ll give it a go:

1. Welcome to our crazy community.

2. Tfk is a terrible support network. You’re seeing the best side of the group here but that won’t last and if you rely on tfk for emotional support in the long run that will be a disaster and just make you feel worse. I think @Rocko was saying to see a counsellor, that wouldn’t do you any harm. Also, counselling is often a good opportunity to strategize, more on that in a moment.

3. “Hasn’t worn your wedding ring in 6 years” - that strikes me as very very odd. “Isn’t usually home before 9 but hasn’t gotten a promotion” - pal, I think your wife is having an affair.

4. Alternatively, she might be working for a major commercial law firm and genuinely be a joyless loveless cunt. I’d say she probably has serious emotional problems actually- no friends, can’t open up to anyone, even her husband. Point is that if she is a lawyer then she’s going to be very clever and will have already planned for things going wrong. And my point about that is you need to he very careful, talk to an expert and lay all your groundwork meticulously. And be very disciplined and don’t slip. And also just be aware that divorce with a woman like that could potentially get very nasty and don’t take it too personally or let it get you down.

5. Divorce.

6. Sorry for calling your wife a cunt, that’s the exact kind of unnecessary bitterness and indiscipline that you should seek to avoid.

[Fulvio_From_Aughnacloy]

Yeah that would frighten me.

I think I’d really lose it in that situation. I’d be up in the Dail or Stormont chaining myself to a railing with a father’s rights picket on me.

In saying that though I am such a good debater than I reckon I could win the divorce hearing in court.

[Juhniallio]

@Fulvio_From_Aughnacloy

Has anyone here ever being through a divorce?

With kids involved?

Surely it’s the worst case scenario possible unless you’re a millionaire or something? Is it not more or less financial ruin if you get divorced?

Do you not end up losing the family home?
Potentially paying off a mortgage for a house you’ll never live in again?
Spend half of your money paying off that mortgage and the other half renting a shitbox apartment?
You also have to play for child support and have limited access to the kids.

Looking at it I don’t think I know too many people who got married and divorced with kids that the men did not have some sort of big money behind them.

I don’t have much knowledge of it but the general perception out there is that when it comes to a divorce men get absolutely screwed on the financial side, the family home and access to kids. Is that a fair picture?

I have a mate going through this at present. He is getting absolutely fucked. He split her lip with a suitcase last August. He says it was accidental, she says it wasn’t. Either way, the price he has paid and the other stuff that has happened since are fu king mental. Sees his kids by court order only, twice a week. He has yet to be asked his side at all by any judge. All courts have dealt only with access. He pays entirely for the mortgage on the house they lived in (now her and his kids) he also rents another gaff for himself (3bed on the Fingal Riviera-not cheap) and he pays for all the kids stuff. Hes been arrested twice, all for the original incident. She charges anything she likes to his company
He has spent a fortune on legal. If you go down this route @Sad then DEFINITELY get legal advice first and from someone good.

[Fulvio_From_Aughnacloy]

As was said earlier, it’s very brave of you to do this and any person who would attempt to weaponise this is a creep. I don’t think 90% of the 10 people who post on here would do that.

You have my sympathy, I’ve been through a few crushing breakups in the past that knocked me for months, maybe one for a full year and sometimes the scars are still tender but you will come back.

My own take, which I have no practical experience of is that divorces are fatal for men but others might be better able to advise.

[horriblecunt]

I’d say that by the end of proceedings the other solicitor would end up giving you the kids, the house, alimony and a signed document declaring that Ulster football is superior just to see the back of you.

[BruidheanChaorthainn]

Surely with all this equality crap women getting half of what a man is worth is a thing of the past? What happens if the woman earns more than the man?

[Fulvio_From_Aughnacloy]

This guy sounds like he has plenty of money and she could very well be:

Kanye West - Gold Digger ft. Jamie Foxx

[POTUS]

Do you combine your finances, or do you keep them separate?

[TheUlteriorMotive]

Have a look at this

https://www.selfauthoring.com/

If I was you I’d forget about fixing the marriage or your wife until later in year. Spend next three or four months on yourself. Where are you now and where do you want to be in five years. The above is a tool to help you do that. Ignore that Jordan Peterson is behind it. It’s a tool where you write your own history, present and future.

Go for counselling on your own. Then turn your attention to your wife, kids etc.

Whatever happens then with your wife you’ll have worked on and improved on your relationship with yourself and learn how to articulate what you want.

Counselling is non directional. It’s a format where you are listened to and asked questions and that makes you think and articulate and the answers come from within. Most people really benefit from it - think of it like a mental massage where you are listened to

You’ll get an idea here of questions etc

Classic Therapy Questions Therapists Tend To Ask

You’re going to be ok.

[johnnysachs]

Yes I have seen a few instances. I worked for a fella who one day came home and wife literally had bags packed and the 2 kids were leaving to an undisclosed location. They never fought either so no warning signs. Just like thunder clearing the air sometimes a good fight is needed as a release valve once things don’t turn ugly. I held this guy in high esteem and learned quite a bit from him as my boss. It was quite something and surreal then for him to share every little intimate detail into the breakdown of his marriage and to see him a shell of a man. She had paid for next years tuition for both kids at some kids talent school in Cork called Monforts or something along those lines and bought a piano. Maxed out the credit card. She turned their mutual friends and children against him or at the very least totally ambivalent to him. They had to sell the family home. He had cashed in on a share option scheme in work and was able to buy a new apartment up in Sundays well but had to get Airbnb for one of his rooms to help pay for the mortgage and his former wife’s affluent lifestyle.

His biggest mistake he says is he never had running away money or contingency for even the remotest possibility that his marriage would end. He has had to re-build up his life from scratch. What puzzled me about the whole thing and sitting through his account of the ordeal was the suddenness and spontaneous parting of ways. I often wondered did she find something on his hard drive or a message on his phone that lead to this precipitous break up rather than years of mental abuse or neglect. I didn’t want to ask but I was conscious I was only hearing one side of the story even though I knew she was bat shit crazy.

I played football with another guy who had a kid with his wife whose marriage ended when the child was only 8 years old. She has since got remarried and had another child a few years ago. But when the new guy arrived on the scene she was encouraging the 8 year old to call the new guy daddy. She had changed the child’s surname back to her maiden name. I was heartened to see the kids name on an intercounty development squad with his biological fathers name recently. You can only hope kids see the wood from the leaves with age and maturity.

Anyway best wishes @Sad . Speak to an expert and get your affairs in order. Always take the high road otherwise its a race to the bottom.

[cowpat]

I hope she gets no luck for it whoever she is

[Tank]

The other thing you can consider is an affair.

[Fulvio_From_Aughnacloy]

A but like @Juhniallio’s case it looks like he was potentially a mark for a gold digger.

Clearly it both cases these were both relatively successful business men who seemed to have been worth a fair whack.

[Thomas_Brady]

@Sad

Signing in. Created a new username for the purposes. It describes how I’m feeling.

10 years, 4 kids. A strange marriage. Largely loveless. But hardly any arguments, never even a harsh word. Largely emotionless. She would rightly say I don’t engage. She’s obsessed with work, all she talks about. I never talk about work, I know she wouldn’t care. I can’t stand when she talks about work.

I care about GAA primarily. Gping to a few matches in the summer. Coaching the kids teams.And I like my job (but I know no one else wants to hear about it).

But she doesn’t talk about anything else except work. She has no hobbys, or interests outside of work. But she wanted kids. Our only time engaging in full sex in 10 years was to procreate. A handful of fumbles in between, only ever initiated by me. I haven’t used a condom in 10 years. We’re both very fertile. A mixed blessing. All 4 kids conceived with 2 or 3 attempts. 10 rides in 10 years. Functional. No oral sex in 10 years. I get it, women need to feel loved to want sex. She didn’t feel loved.

I think I did everything right for the first few years. I bought her flowers, cooked her meals, sent her little messages. Surprises. Presents. Not to “buy” sex, but because I loved her. Genuinely loved her. I got nothing back. Never a surprise text, nothing. I need love, I need sex. We had that before marriage. Not as much sex as I wanted. But love, a connection.

So I disengaged to see if an argument would help. No argument, nothing. Let’s try for another kid…absolutely, maybe this will kickstart our marriage. It didn’t. 4 incredible kids though.

I tried talking to her 2 years ago. I had to ask her to turn off the telly because she was only half listening. Why don’t we have a normal marriage, I asked. She was surprised. This is normal she said. Jesus. Maybe it is. All you care about is work, I said. That’s normal, she said. You like GAA, but I don’t, she said. Turned back on the telly. Conversation over.

I tried an experiment. I wouldn’t tell her I loved her, or give her a hug, or a kiss, or hold her hand. See would she initiate. 2 years have passed, neither of us has told the other we love them. There has been no physical contact in 2 years. She hasn’t worn her rings in 6 years.

Her career is progressing. She works nonstop. I’m primary parent. We never discussed that. Putting kids to bed, 9 o’clock and no sign of Mammy. Not even a text to say she’ll be late. Due home at 6. Regular occurrence. I still make more money than her. Missed a promotion last year though, too much time parenting and not enough focusing on career. I don’t really care. I’m cross with her for taking me for granted. But I don’t say anything. Don’t want to let her see she’s getting to me. I convinced myself she’s trying to make me pull the plug, so she can blame me. Probably not. Who knows.

A year ago I accepted we’re cohabiting parents. Made my peace. Fine, wait till the kids are old enough then move on. I can do that.

Now she’s talking about moving house and my head is exploding. How does she think we’re still married? She wants to go into another mortgage with someone she regards as the live-in childminder. WTF.

So I said it to her the other day. She agreed we had drifted apart. You don’t love me, I said. A small tear. I don’t hate you, she said. That was it. I’m happy to stay together until the kids are older, I said. No response. A dirty look though.

It’s not a bad atmosphere for the kids. No shouting, no anger. But no love between Mammy and Daddy, and they see that already. How come you never kiss, the 7 year old asked me last year. Still a better house than a lot of kids have. Two parents who love them.

Unless Mammy decides she doesn’t need the live-in childminder anymore. But I don’t think she will.

Have you tried shoving your thumb up her arse?

[gilgamboa]

I don’t think youl ever need to worry about getting divorced

[Little_Lord_Fauntleroy]

if the kids are happy, suck it up till they are a bit older

i know of one guy, went from a mansion in Malahide to a 1 bed in D3 now, he looks a pitiful figure, the general rule is you will see the kids less and live in squalor. although you could get your hole a lot more

wear suncream

[The_Most_Infamous]

@Sad,

Go for the couples counciling but also get your ducks in row regarding a very good family law solictor. Don’t spare any expense there - do your research on the best one in your locality. Have that in your pocket at least before making any decisions.

Keep cool, that sounds like a horrible situation to go through.

Sorry to hear that. Hopefully ye can work through it via the councilling.

[Fulvio_From_Aughnacloy]

@gilgamboa

I don’t think youl ever need to worry about getting divorced

Nasty post in a thread offering support and solidarity.

[Fulvio_From_Aughnacloy]

@Little_Lord_Fauntleroy

i know of one guy, went from a mansion in Malahide to a 1 bed in D3 now, he looks a pitiful figure, the general rule is you will see the kids less and live in squalor. although you could get your hole a lot more

That would be my general impression of it.