The marriage difficulties and auld GAA lads from Craobh thread

[TheBird]

@Tank

The other thing you can consider is an affair.

This poor man hasn’t time for an affair.

[Faldo]

[mikehunt]

Would I be right in guessing you wouldn’t have any marital experience yourself buddy?

[grapes]

I can catch mosquitoes with 2 fingers.

[glenshane]

If I could impart one piece of advice to lads facing separation, divorce, eviction etc, it would be to immediately and ruthlessly sever all financial ties. Kids clothes, heating, mortgage…every penny you spend out of the goodness of your heart runs the risk of forming part of a solicitor’s cynical assessment of how much can be milked from the situation, while simultaneously showing a judge that ‘herself’ is coping financially…he really doesn’t care about your struggles …so long as the bills are paid. No one is going to tally up your receipts…at least not until it comes to working out how little you can live on.

Dont be a soppy weepy fucker trying to mine virtue from the situation. There will be no recognition, and there are no ‘father of the year’ prizes be handed out. The judge has no interest in assessing who is the better parent. He/she merely wants to assure himself that nothing really bad will happen to the kids so long as they stay with their mother. For example, her being an alcoholic isn’t really an issue so long as she’s a reasonably functioning alcoholic…about 85% school attendance is about acceptable.
Most divorces and custody arrangements are shoehorned into well established convenient ‘off the shelf’ templates…you’re going down a well trodden path. The pain is stark, and it feels like it should be special. But it’s really not…its all day every day
It’s only the complete fucking basket cases that warrant genuine deliberation from a judge…unless you play a very thoughtful and persistent game that is.
@Sad’s workaholic missus can almost certainly have the kids if she wants them…her barrister will simply ask for a reasonable adjournment so she can demonstrate the bare minimum of what can be considered adequate…a month of picking up the kids will be sufficient…therefore o she gets the kids and somewhere down the road you’ll pay her handsomely to do so…a couple more weeks down the road and you’ll be picking up the kids again, standing order intact of course
And when you’re sitting on the court benches why not watch the barristers flitting to and fro. A minute here and couple there…you’ll be lucky to get ten minutes with yours… .2k I reckon

[EstebanSexface]

TFK ballhop to the side, did you really get married and divorced twice?

[glenshane]

What sort of fool do you take me for?

[alf_stewart]

I believe you bro.

[glenshane]

I find that immensely comforting

[Enrique]

You’re comfortably the best poster here. Great insight from someone who actually knows what they’re talking about.

[ironmoth]

@Sad

Joint accounts. Although I suspect she’s squirelling away money for a long time. Only some of her paycheck makes it into the joint account. The rest goes to a savings account directly from her employer. I’ve never seen statements of that account. I ask occasionally what’s in it, always a vague answer that seems way too low.

Surely a bookkeeper could figure this out for you fairly quickly via Revenue, etc. Maybe drop @Bandage a PM.

[ironmoth]

@johnnysachs

I think it boils down to 2 choices personally.

A)
Being broke and miserable

B) or being miserable.

Its why every possible reconciliation avenue should be explored and attempt made to work at it.

That’s it in a nutshell. I had to laugh earlier in the thread at the clown with no marriage experience advising a split, because a happy mammy and daddy was all that mattered to the kids. The statistics on children in broken marriages are fucking bleak. My view is that if kids are in the equation, and unless you suspect she’s going to slit your throat in your sleep, you do triage and make the marriage hobble on until the kids fly the coop.

[Ambrose_McNulty]

@Enrique

You’re comfortably the best poster here

He is, by a country mile.

[Mac]

Sorry to hear about your scenario @Sad and @Mullach_Ide

The last 200 posts have been an education in itself. Fair play to the lads offering all kinds of sensible advice and not being afraid to share their personal stories on it.

[Ambrose_McNulty]

A friend of mine separated from the wife about 20 years ago. He was an electrician and she was a primary school teacher, they had one kid. Over the years he gave her all of his tax allowances and did loads of work for cash over the years, so when it came to examination of income and assets it looked like she had paid for everything. One day after a meeting with both sets of solicitors and barristers, he went for a bite to eat in a restaurant. After ten minutes both sets of legals teams arrived in and sat down at a table together, the penny finally dropped for him that these cunts were milking both of them. That evening he signed off 70% of everything to her.

[myboyblue]

@Mac

Sorry to hear about your scenario @Sad and @Mullach_Ide

The last 200 posts have been an education in itself. Fair play to the lads offering all kinds of sensible advice and not being afraid to share their personal stories on it.

You’ll always get the bad bastards who want to knock down and criticise and belittle sadly

[Fulvio_From_Aughnacloy]

I’m not surprised to read that given her profession.

[artfoley]

@Sad

Signing in. Created a new username for the purposes. It describes how I’m feeling.

10 years, 4 kids. A strange marriage. Largely loveless. But hardly any arguments, never even a harsh word. Largely emotionless. She would rightly say I don’t engage. She’s obsessed with work, all she talks about. I never talk about work, I know she wouldn’t care. I can’t stand when she talks about work.

I care about GAA primarily. Gping to a few matches in the summer. Coaching the kids teams.And I like my job (but I know no one else wants to hear about it).

But she doesn’t talk about anything else except work. She has no hobbys, or interests outside of work. But she wanted kids. Our only time engaging in full sex in 10 years was to procreate. A handful of fumbles in between, only ever initiated by me. I haven’t used a condom in 10 years. We’re both very fertile. A mixed blessing. All 4 kids conceived with 2 or 3 attempts. 10 rides in 10 years. Functional. No oral sex in 10 years. I get it, women need to feel loved to want sex. She didn’t feel loved.

I think I did everything right for the first few years. I bought her flowers, cooked her meals, sent her little messages. Surprises. Presents. Not to “buy” sex, but because I loved her. Genuinely loved her. I got nothing back. Never a surprise text, nothing. I need love, I need sex. We had that before marriage. Not as much sex as I wanted. But love, a connection.

So I disengaged to see if an argument would help. No argument, nothing. Let’s try for another kid…absolutely, maybe this will kickstart our marriage. It didn’t. 4 incredible kids though.

I tried talking to her 2 years ago. I had to ask her to turn off the telly because she was only half listening. Why don’t we have a normal marriage, I asked. She was surprised. This is normal she said. Jesus. Maybe it is. All you care about is work, I said. That’s normal, she said. You like GAA, but I don’t, she said. Turned back on the telly. Conversation over.

I tried an experiment. I wouldn’t tell her I loved her, or give her a hug, or a kiss, or hold her hand. See would she initiate. 2 years have passed, neither of us has told the other we love them. There has been no physical contact in 2 years. She hasn’t worn her rings in 6 years.

Her career is progressing. She works nonstop. I’m primary parent. We never discussed that. Putting kids to bed, 9 o’clock and no sign of Mammy. Not even a text to say she’ll be late. Due home at 6. Regular occurrence. I still make more money than her. Missed a promotion last year though, too much time parenting and not enough focusing on career. I don’t really care. I’m cross with her for taking me for granted. But I don’t say anything. Don’t want to let her see she’s getting to me. I convinced myself she’s trying to make me pull the plug, so she can blame me. Probably not. Who knows.

A year ago I accepted we’re cohabiting parents. Made my peace. Fine, wait till the kids are old enough then move on. I can do that.

Now she’s talking about moving house and my head is exploding. How does she think we’re still married? She wants to go into another mortgage with someone she regards as the live-in childminder. WTF.

So I said it to her the other day. She agreed we had drifted apart. You don’t love me, I said. A small tear. I don’t hate you, she said. That was it. I’m happy to stay together until the kids are older, I said. No response. A dirty look though.

It’s not a bad atmosphere for the kids. No shouting, no anger. But no love between Mammy and Daddy, and they see that already. How come you never kiss, the 7 year old asked me last year. Still a better house than a lot of kids have. Two parents who love them.

Unless Mammy decides she doesn’t need the live-in childminder anymore. But I don’t think she will.

Well everyone else has had their tuppenorth so here’s mine:

Firstly, I’m sorry that it’s got this far and it can’t be pleasant for anyone in the house.

Secondly, while things are civil,sit her down to discuss divorce, and how things are to be dealt with post divorce. It’s quite possible that your missus genuinely is going through all of this thinking nothing is wrong and, if nothing else,this will jolt her as she will realise that the days of the live in childminder are coming to an end.

It’s vitally important that during any of these discussions that you remain respectful and don’t let it develop into a full blown row, you’ll have to co parent going forward so you need to remain on as good terms as possible.

With a view to divorce, always work on the presumption that anything you email, text or say will end up in front of a judge so it is vital to remain calm and respectful for the sake of your kids, your future relationship with your wife, and any chances of settling the breakdown of your marriage.

Trust me, the best thing to do is to agree things between you, otherwise you face the likelihood of large legal bills and having a judgement that neither of you will like being inflicted on you by a judge.

Best of luck with it and I hope you all emerge as unscathed as possible from the breakdown

[Mac]

Maybe a question for the legal lads. Say someone else was in these circumstances but not married. Obviously financially they could end up better off but would they have to go through all kinds of legal wrangles to see their kids? Or how does it usually work?

[blackjack]

@Ambrose_McNulty

A friend of mine separated from the wife about 20 years ago. He was an electrician and she was a primary school teacher, they had one kid. Over the years he gave her all of his tax allowances and did loads of work for cash over the years, so when it came to examination of income and assets it looked like she had paid for everything. One day after a meeting with both sets of solicitors and barristers, he went for a bite to eat in a restaurant. After ten minutes both sets of legals teams arrived in and sat down at a table together, the penny finally dropped for him that these cunts were milking both of them. That evening he signed off 70% of everything to her.

The spark was gone