I’m not too bad with a corkscrew and a bottle of wine and I can open beer bottles with a lighter or a spoon or whatever but when it comes to the more mundane I really struggle.
I tear my payslip every month. Same payslip in my last couple of employments so using the same gummed foldover design with side perforations for the guts of 8 years but every month without fail I mess up the perforation and then get careless on the general opening and prise apart the wrong two pieces of paper so I open it backwards half the time with the data sealed on the inside. Hard to explain but if you know the payslip you’ll get the drift.
Then other things like bananas. Lovely simple design the banana but I always squash the top end of it being over-aggressive. Roughly half the time I’ll bend over the banana towards me (to almost close the circle) in order to loosen it up and then some banana goo will seep out a weak point in the back of the neck of the banana. Then you’ve a mess on your hands. Worse is when I’m getting a banana or two off a bunch in a shop. I pull off two bananas and realise I’ve opened a half dozen in the process and I’m off up the counter with two bananas for me and the lids of another six that are now ruined on the shelf.
Helped myself to a yoghurt from Tesco the other day and the same thing happened - pulled one off a multipack and opened all four. Ended up buying the four of them. Brought them home and put the lids back on three of them but when I went to eat one of those I fecking destroyed the other three - splitting one of them down the side when I was wrestling them apart.
Taking lids off pens are a real difficulty for me too. Had immense trouble in a meeting last week and had to get a (female) client to get the lid off for me. I’m no weightlifter but I’m not a weed - there’s something very wrong with my technique in these matters.
Other than that I’m pretty alright at opening stuff I guess.
I take great pride in my opening skills. I am one of those people who can open a bottel of beer with his lighter, get it first time every time, its all about the knuckle, not the fingers.
You’re not a man unless you can open really difficult things. You must do it without the slightest grimace aswell to appear as if its been really simple.
I’d say you’ve a face on you like that lad in the old Malteser ad where he uses the straw to transport Maltesers from the bag to his girlfriend’s mouth. A real ‘ah shur t’was nothing’ sort of look.
[quote=“therock67”]Anyone else useless at this opening stuff lark.
I’m not too bad with a corkscrew and a bottle of wine and I can open beer bottles with a lighter or a spoon or whatever but when it comes to the more mundane I really struggle.
I tear my payslip every month. Same payslip in my last couple of employments so using the same gummed foldover design with side perforations for the guts of 8 years but every month without fail I mess up the perforation and then get careless on the general opening and prise apart the wrong two pieces of paper so I open it backwards half the time with the data sealed on the inside. Hard to explain but if you know the payslip you’ll get the drift.
Then other things like bananas. Lovely simple design the banana but I always squash the top end of it being over-aggressive. Roughly half the time I’ll bend over the banana towards me (to almost close the circle) in order to loosen it up and then some banana goo will seep out a weak point in the back of the neck of the banana. Then you’ve a mess on your hands. Worse is when I’m getting a banana or two off a bunch in a shop. I pull off two bananas and realise I’ve opened a half dozen in the process and I’m off up the counter with two bananas for me and the lids of another six that are now ruined on the shelf.
Helped myself to a yoghurt from Tesco the other day and the same thing happened - pulled one off a multipack and opened all four. Ended up buying the four of them. Brought them home and put the lids back on three of them but when I went to eat one of those I fecking destroyed the other three - splitting one of them down the side when I was wrestling them apart.
Taking lids off pens are a real difficulty for me too. Had immense trouble in a meeting last week and had to get a (female) client to get the lid off for me. I’m no weightlifter but I’m not a weed - there’s something very wrong with my technique in these matters.
Other than that I’m pretty alright at opening stuff I guess.[/quote]
Sweet Jesus Rocko, a couple of more posts like this and you be in line for your first IOTM. Anything else to go with opening things and not being able to ring in for a take away?!
