PĂĄdraic Maherâs every second sentence now rewinds to that perspective. To a re-assertion of his understanding of the profound difference between sadness and grief.
Within a single week last January, he went from preparing for his 14th senior inter-county season to being told, essentially, that he should never hurl again.
The discovery of a damaged neck artery finally resolved the mystery behind bouts of dizziness and double vision that heâd felt impede his performances for Thurles Sarsfields in the drawn and replayed 2021 Tipp finals against Loughmore-Castleiney.
But it also swung a wrecking-ball through just about everything he could identify as normality.
In another time, no doubt, bouts of gloomy introspection and self-pity would have been inevitable. And Maher doesnât lie, there are still days that bring jolting spasms of struggle and separation.
âBut then the mind turns to Clonoulty and that surreal August day when it felt as if the entire hurling community carried a young hurler to his final resting place. When that happens, the head always finds its manners.
The week before Dillon died, PĂĄdraic stood chatting to him on the floor of Xtreme gym in Thurles, just a few hundred yards from where we now sit chatting.
What he remembers most is the growing physical presence of a man whose performances for Tipp had been nuggets of consolation from a difficult and ultimately vexatious year.
âEven for the short time I trained with Dillon, you could see he held himself to high standards,â PĂĄdraic says now. âYou could see that he was looking after himself, turning into a big man.
âWhen he came over for the chat that morning, I was nearly taking a step back. I remember thinking how heâd come on massively in physical terms. But that was the last time we spoke.â
Sarsfields had a match in Cashel the evening of the tragedy, Maher keeping an eye on other games through the relentless murmur of Twitter. Detail of what was unspooling in Semple Stadium initially lacked coherence on social media, but it quickly became clear that something serious had occurred.
By the time PĂĄdraic dropped his brother, Ronan, back to collect his car at the Sarsfields clubhouse, they knew that the commotion had been for Dillon, crowds still lingering outside the stadium. But it was only when Maher got home that a friendâs text he will never forget pinged his phone to life. Just three words.
âDillon is goneâ.
The following Monday, PĂĄdraic, Ronan, Larry Corbett and Ger âRedserâ OâGrady participated in a ceremony with some of the extended Quirke family, cutting a square of turf from the spot where Dillon had fallen to be taken in a presentation case to the funeral.
The memories of those days retain a starkness that, he doubts, will ever soften.
âDillon will never be forgotten,â Maher says firmly now. âWhat his family has gone through and continues to go through is awful. What the people of Clonoulty have been through is awful. But my abiding memory of those few days is of a great sense of unity in people too, of huge camaraderie.
âWhen a young, healthy person dies, it can never feel natural. And you donât get over something like that. Like the Quirkesâ lives will never be the same again. But at least they know what their local community feels for them and will always feel.
âAll the rest of us can do I suppose is keep his memory going, go and represent him in the best way we can now.
âThatâs all Iâd imagine Dillon would want or his family would want.â
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For Maher, the opportunity to do just that arrived quicker than he might reasonably have expected with his acceptance of Liam Cahillâs invitation to become a part of Tipperaryâs new management team.
An invitation, he agrees, could not really have come at a better time.
Hurling has been the epicentre of his life all the way back to a childhood spent in close proximity to national heroes of the game like Jimmy Doyle, Mickey âThe Rattlerâ Byrne, and Pat Stakelum.
A six-time All-Star and three-time senior All-Ireland winner himself, Maher now holds status among Tipperaryâs finest, but admits he considered himself far from finished with inter-county approaching his 33rd birthday,
âAh God, I have found it a struggle,â he says now of that January diagnosis. âSure even still, itâs difficult just trying to find a routine. It happened so fast.
âLike, I had no sense that there was anything serious to worry about here. But it started getting fishy when after getting my MRI done, I got a phone call to get a CAT scan two days later.
âTwo days after getting that one done, I got another phone call telling me to go to Limerick for an ultra-sound on my neck. I started wondering at that stage was I being confused with somebody else. I actually asked them if that was the case.
âBut no, I was told I needed another one again.
âAt this stage, itâs obvious theyâre seeing something. But I thought it would only be some kind of muscle injury. Myself and Claire (Gaynor) had got engaged and we were going down to her family for an engagement party on the Friday. As it happened, I was meeting the doctor, Tony Molony, in Henry Street, Limerick that day. I thought, âPerfect, get that clear, then down to the party in Ennisâ.
âWent in and, to begin with, he didnât really tell me that I had to retire. He just put these scans on a screen, says, âYouâre probably wondering why I sent you for all those scans!â
âI replied, âTo be honest, I thought you were getting me mixed up with someone elseâ.
ââNo,â he said. âI just wanted to give you the full picture of whatâs happening here.
ââSo thatâs your brain. See all those dots?â
âYeah!
ââThey shouldnât be there! When you get hit, theyâre bubbles coming up from a damaged artery (arterial dissection) in your neck. Thatâs whatâs causing you to get dizzy. Basically, itâs a mini-stroke! If you stay playing, that will continue happening and it could cause you to have a major stroke.
ââIt could happen just training or it could happen in a Munster Championship game. You could just take a bang that has that impact. Itâs an injury often seen in car crashes with whiplashâ.
âSo I asked him, âAre you telling me to stop?â
ââWell, I donât want to be the one to make that decision for you but, if you were my son, yeah thatâs what I would tell you,â he said.
âAnd the stupid eejit in me replied, âWhat about the club?â
ââSure itâs the same thing PĂĄdraic, you canât take the chanceâ.â
The MRI, CAT scan and ultra-sound had all been done within a single week. An assortment of different lights shone on the problem, all drawn towards a common target.
Claire suggested cancelling the engagement party, but PĂĄdraic reckoned that to do so would simply lead to too many awkward questions. So they went ahead, but the following morning he was restless for a fast escape.
âIn a way, the party took my mind off it a bit,â he reflects now. âBut the moment I got up the following morning, I wanted to go. Just felt I had to go home and sort out a lot of stuff.â
Virtually the entire journey home to Thurles was taken up in conversation with Tipp team medic Paul Ryan and former Offaly hurler Brendan Murphy â himself a former team doctor for the Premier County.
âIâd say I rang Brendan three times in one day,â he reflects now. âAnd two or three times again the following Monday morning. His view was, âWhat have you to gain from taking that chance?â He said I had to stop.
âPaul said exactly the same.
âI was just hoping for someone to give me a glimmer of hope somewhere, maybe even tell me â if I took a year out â I might be able to come back and play club.
âLike everyone was aware Iâd been going for these scans just to make sure everything was fine before I went back with Tipp at the end of January. That Monday morning Ăanna Falvey (World Rugbyâs chief medical officer) sent the scans down in New Zealand by Dr Molony.
âAnd he agreed with all the other doctors. I still rang everyone one more time to be sure, but then I said to Claire, âIâm not holding this any longer!â The National League was starting the following Saturday.
âSo that Monday night, the two of us put the statement together. And it was when I pressed âsendâ the following morning . . . thatâs when it hit me.
âI was lying in bed as I did it, everything written out. All the messages prepared for the different WhatsApp groups. The Tipperary group. My club group. A message prepared for a lot of my close friends. Because Iâd told no one. Then I sent an email on to Tim Floyd, for the county board to release a statement.
âAnd thatâs when, lying in the bed, I started bawling crying. Thatâs when it hit me. Just the realisation that it was all over.
âBecause I wasnât prepared to finish. I felt as fit as I ever did, felt that the break was going to do me a lot of good. I was looking forward to going back in with Tipp. And I thought Iâd still be able to give three or four more good years to the club. Weâve a lot of good young lads coming through and it felt an exciting time.
âBut even thatâs gone now. So yeah, I did struggle for a good number of months. Still have days I struggle now. Like youâre taken out of your routine. All my life had been based around training, gym, match at the weekend. Like any GAA player, youâre being very selfish to compete. Now it was all gone.
âAnd all I could think was, âF**k, what do I do now?ââ
To begin with, staying busy became the only answer, albeit it was all but impossible to drown out the noise building in his head. Ronan after all was Tipp captain for 2022 but as he led the team out in Walsh Park for their Munster Championship opener, his big brother was now in a radio booth, feeling utterly lost.
âYou feel you nearly have to reinvent yourself,â PĂĄdraic says now. âMaybe for the first few weeks, thereâs almost an adrenaline surge. People are being awful supportive. But Jesus when the lads ran out on the pitch that day in Waterford, I just got this sinking feeling.
âAll I could think was, âI should be out there!ââ
Tipp hurled well that day but ended up losing narrowly, their season subsequently petering out with three more defeats. A whitewash. It resulted in Colm Bonnarâs controversial removal as manager, followed by the appointment of Cahill and Mikey Bevans in his place.
Maher and Cahill are former Thurles Sarsfields team-mates and PĂĄdraic hopes that his voice will carry value within the new regime.
He can, after all, tap into a vast wealth of personal experience.
âI was (Tipp) captain in 2017 and â18 and, fair enough, we lost out narrowly to Galway in â17â he says now. âBut in â18 we really struggled with the first year of the round-robin. The year just petered out on us very quickly. And one of my biggest regrets as captain was that that happened. I felt I could have done more.
âWatching Tipp this year, I suppose I didnât want the same to happen to Ronan.
âI mean Iâd have seen players maybe getting frustrated with different things in â18, sometimes even stupid things. Youâd see standards dropping a bit with some players. Youâre aware of it, but youâre not speaking up. I suppose it was so hectic at the time, matches coming one week after another.
âIf I was back there now, Iâd have pulled certain lads aside, told them what they were doing wasnât good enough. Looking back, I think we kind of just left the thing drift a bit and before we knew it we were gone out of the championship for the year.â
Had he maybe lacked the self-confidence to speak up when that was needed?
âI suppose none of us were really hurling well that year, myself included. And itâs hard to turn to a player and tell him to up his standards when youâre not really playing well yourself. You end up doubting yourself, wondering, âAm I doing everything right? What are other lads thinking of me?â
âAll of those doubts come into your mind. Maybe I didnât then have the confidence to go to certain players and say, âLads, what the f**k are ye doing?â And it all just snowballed then. Again it was the last puck of a game that knocked us out, but we were just struggling that summer.
âSo in a sense I felt I knew what Ronan was going through this year. And maybe I can use my experience now to help him come back from a tough year.â
Maherâs career brought him into contact with the two most prolifically successful teams of the modern age (Kilkenny â09-â15) and Limerick (â18-â22) and he has seen the most momentous shifts in hurling styles, in game-plans, in strength and conditioning metrics and even in collective mindsets. Always someone, somewhere is moving the dial.
Given Limerick have effectively just collected their fourth All-Ireland in five seasons in the absence of marquee forwards Cian Lynch and Peter Casey, the watermark for success has seldom looked more daunting.
Tipp, he feels, have no right to be talking too loudly beyond their station.
They spoke for maybe three hours that night he drove over to Bevansâs house to hear what they had to say about his new role with Tipp. Their thoroughness impressed Maher and, though thereâs a wedding planned for May, Claire didnât hesitate in supporting his decision.
âI consider it an honour to be asked in,â he says emphatically now. âLike I still feel I could run through that window and thatâs the frustration of never being able to play again. Iâll still go to a game and there might be a lad older than me playing and I find myself wondering if he appreciates just how lucky he is to be out there.
âBut this feels the next best thing. Itâs bringing me back into the routines of elite competition again, something Iâve really missed. And I feel Iâve got something to offer.â
And targets for 2023?
âListen, in Tipp, weâve got to get our own house in order first and foremost,â he declares. âOnly then can we think about the challenge of trying to take down these top teams. The last few years have been poor. Bear in mind, we havenât hurled in Croke Park since the 2019 All-Ireland hurling final.
âSo there are maybe smaller goals for Tipperary to try meeting at the moment. Like obviously trying to be in the top three in Munster for a start. You canât be thinking too far ahead.
âThis is a fairly young Tipp group and the important thing is we get them back enjoying their hurling again. And just see where that takes you.â
Expand Close PĂĄdraic Maherâs new book / Facebook Twitter Email Whatsapp PĂĄdraic Maherâs new book
A memoir of hurling and commitment by PĂĄdraic Maher is published in trade paperback by Hachette Ireland.
Join PĂĄdraic and fellow GAA All-Stars Patrick Horgan, Eoin Kelly and Tommy Walsh for an in-conversation event at the Anner Hotel, Thurles on Thursday, November 10 at 7.0