Toilet Etiquette at Work

we call that pebble dashing out in east clareā€¦

But you canā€™t beat the comforts of your own throne. Iā€™ll regularly hold onto the beast inside me till i get home, so i can shit anxiety free as it were. Thereā€™s nothing worse than the indignity and fear of fooking up the work toilet (as we only have the one for our office), because that way everyone will know who the culprit was. So generally, unless in an emergency situation, iā€™ll treat myself to a nice quiet one later on.

Typically what iā€™ll do at home is bring in some reading material or play games on the phone, and if iā€™m feeling particularly rambunctuous iā€™ll bring in the laptop with me and peruse tfk.com while letting fly.

I then open up all the windows in the jacks to remove the toxic fumes. These will remain open from anywhere between a half hour to an hour, or until such time as iā€™m told thereā€™s a ā€œdraftā€ coming in. Of course this method alone wonā€™t dilute the foul odour so iā€™ve recently bought a spray of Ultra Fresh (available from all good retailers), which exerts a hefty dose of lavender to the offending area. This should do the trick and return the area to somewhere near where it once was.

I prefer to get paid to make a mess everywhere. knocks a good 10-15 minutes out the day as well.

what you are doing is also known as ā€˜baking themā€™

Ugh, somebodyā€™s baking brownies!

Oh this thread is taking the piss. Anyways Ive a new sitiation on Monday heading back up the head office after being away for the last 18 months. The old office had two separate toilets so you had a bit of privacy but up in head office I think its cubicles. I will have to decide what plan of action to take.

My pet hate is walking into a cubicle just after the previous guy has walked out as the odour of his rumblings is still floating around but for some reasoin i think itā€™s bad manners to walk in, inhale and then walk out when youā€™re overcome by the stench as if heā€™s still at the sink you might embarrass him.

IN my office the cubicles are proper little rooms almost as opposed to traps i.e brisk walls in between and no gap underneath so smell from a neighbouring one isnā€™t an issue while volume levels are also reduced. That said, if someone is squatting next door i do like to let them know whoā€™s boss when it comes to making sweet sounds through my anal cavity.

I never understood the whole idea of reading on the jacks. I canā€™t hold a paper/book as i always use one had to pin back my cock so it wonā€™t hit off the side of the bowl (a huge phobia of mine). Does anyone else take this precautionary measure?

My routine is walk in, check what cubicle is available and if >1 then i check for skid marks, piss on seat, abandoned cosby kids etc then make a decision. The seat HAS to be wiped (i wipe twice), then i flush, then i coat the seat with AT LEAST 2 layers of bog roll before settling down (this can cause problems when standing up after a long dump as the bog roll can stick to your ass cheeks due to sweat but its just a minor side effect). After finishing i generally wipe until i draw blood - nothing worse than sitting at your desk later and getting the feeling you left something behind. Usually if its a messy wipe iā€™ll do a second sweep the next time iā€™m in for a piss just to make sure weā€™re nice and dry.

Is that the reason why there was no bog roll on the train to Belfast that time!

I learned the hard way on this but I felt itā€™s something I should warn the forum about:

Never, ever, ever, under any circumstances use a cubicle where the toilet lid is left down. It goes without saying that youā€™re walking into trouble and uncertainty is best avoided in toilet situations. I suffered at least twice in the past after brazenly strolling into a cubicle only to be met with a bowl decorated with diarrhoea upon lifting the seat up. Thereā€™s generally a reason why somebody has bothered to touch a dirty, rotten toilet lid and place it down on top of the seat and that reason is usually because they have some sick shit to hide. The next unsuspecting punter comes in, innocently lifts back up the lid and is faced with a veritable faeces fest and all manner of rotten aromas. Sometimes flies are involved too. Iā€™m just back from a bathroom visit where Cubicle 4 was occupied and Cubicle 1ā€™s lid was left down. I paused for a moment and made the sensible decision to avail of Cubicle 2 where I enjoyed a seamless and straighforward mid-afternoon dump.

Is there anything worse than a power cut when you are in the middle of a post lunch dump? No natural light in any of our bathrooms so weā€™re reliant on the lights. The power went so it left me fumbling around in the dark trying to find everything. Tried to use my mobile phone as a type of torch. Scary timesā€¦

I ha enā€™t contributed to this thread thus far as I feel that anything I want to say has more than adequately been mentioned already. I will share my most sickening toilet story with you though.

I was about 11 or 12 and a member of Eslinā€™s Scor na nOg quiz team. I was quite nervous about stepping on stage to answer on the spot questions about saints or whatever and that can of coke I had was running through me. So I decided to head to the toilets in this community centre. Bad move.

All seeemed ok until I opened the cubicle door and there lying in wait for me was a long decaying faeces lying on the toilet seat - however tā€™fuck it managed to get up there. I just turned on my heel and got out of there as quickly as fook.

In later years I have revisited that moment and realsied that some Neanderthal fook probably came in, missed the bowl and if that wsnā€™t bad enough refused to get a bit of bog roll and nudge it into the bowl.

I remember in a place a used to work, every so often Iā€™d be forced to use the ā€œcommonersā€ bog - ie, when Iā€™d go up to the level where the MD had his office either the two swish jacks were occupied or Iā€™d be caught short. Well on two occasions I was met in one of the toilets with the biggest shat youā€™ve ever seen! I mean, this thing defied logic. There was a friend of mine having a tinkle at the time and I had to show it to him, he was also amazed (and secretly impressed) with the size of this log. The size meant that it either

  • tore the guy a new hole or
  • he had a huge hole to begin with and I donā€™t want to think about that.

After the 2nd time seeing it, in the same jacks (people are a creature of habit) I never revisited that cubicle again.

You probably think Iā€™m making these up but I swear Iā€™m not - itā€™s just that I spend a good proportion of the day of a big Wexford or Celtic game in the bathroom. Just got back from another visit and when I went in there was a lad in Cubicle 1 taking a piss with the door wide open. Either use the urinal or close the door you stupid pothole.

The toilets next to my new workspace are not very good. 2 cubicles in a tiny room. I think I will try the ones on the ground floor tomorrow as there is no way I would do my business in a room that small.

In my office thereā€™s a bird who comes around and stocks up the bog with shit roll and paper towels etc. Instead of waiting for the room to be free she just wanders in and fills up the paper towel holder regardless of whether someone is taking a shit or not. The other day i was taking a dump and heard someone coming in and messing around with the sinks and towel holder, i obviously couldnā€™t tell who it was but when i finished up i walked out and there was yer one was just standing there! Then she said hello to me and i responded in a kind of ā€œhello, but em what the fook are you doing in hereā€ kind of tone. Then she went into the cubicle i just vacated to check that status of the bog roll. That move was ill advised on her part, but serves her right - next time wait outside until iā€™m done, then wait some more until the air clears and the automatic air freshener squirts a couple of gallons of ā€œlemon mistā€ over the surrounding area. Silly fook. Cute though.

Did something there yesterday evening that I never would have considered prior to reading this thread. Went in for a dump about 4.30pm and there was nobody else in the bathroom. I would usually have bolted straight into trap 1 or 4 but for some reason the posts by Locke and Shermin about trap 2 and 3 getting none of the action and thus being cleaner came into my mind. I paused briefly and realised that given the time of the day it was traps 1 and 4 were probably after taking an absolute battering all day. So I ventured into trap 3 and thoroughly destroyed it. I think Iā€™m going to follow new tactics in work from now on as a result - traps 1 or 4 between 9am and 1.30pm before reverting to traps 2 and 3 from then until going home time.

Rushed to the bog in work at half 7 this morning and found what looked like a dead otter waiting in the pan,it took a couple of belts with the brush to break its back and get it flushed.Some dirty cnuts about,got my suspicions who it is.

Just off for a chocolate spread sangwich.

Lads, what class of bogroll do your work places had? I worked in a place once where you may as well have been using sandpaper. Your arse would be raw by about lunchtime if youā€™d been out the night before.

The stuff from school was the worst,shiny on one side,if you tried a wipe with the shiny bit the fooker would scoot right up the crack,your 9,10,Jack would end up covered in dogs egg.

Sand paper bogroll is better than the stuff that you put your hand through when doing the wiping. Nothing worse than that feeling of brown excretment on the hand you will be using to eat a sandwich in a couple of minutes.

I thought that you would be used to having a sore arse Macā€¦

Ahoy

Just applied my new tictacs again there. Straight into trap 3 without even a second thought after my Friday chicken curry followed by large cappuccino and it really appears to have paid off handsomely. A clean break after that kind of lunch - what are the chances?