Toilet Etiquette at Work

Just back from my daily bombs away. Like to go around 9:47ish in the mornings, enough time for the Weetabix with hot milk, brown bread and tae to be gotten rid of and the bowl (middle cube rem) is guaranteed to be nice and fresh. But today I’ve actually been busy and once I got over the shock of that I noticed that I hadn’t been to Dresden the bog. In I went after lunch (veg soup and more brown bread) and started the business while playing sudoku on my new phone when I got caught in a shat sambo; ie both cubes occupied at the same time. I reckon I need counseling after the battering they gave the bog. This would be the one draw back to the middle cube theory.

You’ve pretty much summed up the inherent risk of any middle trap occupier there Locke and it’s never more dangerous than during the post-lunch rush when the bathroom’s likely to be seeing plenty of traffic. In that sense the key is to employ either delay tactics and wait until 2.30pm or thereabouts for your afternoon assault or go for the early lunch option and destroy the jacks shortly after 1.30pm. That period between 1.45pm and 2.15pm is what I’m going to refer to as no man’s land. Anybody frequenting the bathroom during this timeframe is going to be lucky to get out alive.

Heard an interesting (by that I mean sick) tale from a mate recently who happens to be a girl and is quite happy to share her toilet stories.

Anyway she was sitting on the bog one day as girls tend to have to do. She heard a commotion outside. There was a burd saying ‘Oh my God Oh my God’ and she took it to mean that the burd was dying for a shit/piss or whatever. With that the trap next to her slammed opened and the burd gave the bowl an almighty battering that the Anabel’s boys would be proud of. All kinds of noises came out apparently. When it had all died down the burd said ‘Congratulations’ to herself for whatever fucked up reason and left.

My mate thought she recognised the voice but wasn’t sure. When she went back to the office she inquired as to where the boss on her particular job was and someone said that she said she had to go to the bathroom.

Then the penny dropped that it was her boss that carried out the GBH on the bowl and said the congraulations. Needless to say she was deeply disturbed by it.

Right up until that last post Farmer I honestly didn’t know that women done number twos. It’s true what they say, you learn something new everyday!

just had an interesting experience there; after a weekend of stout and no dump yesterday, I sat down to unleash 4 to 5 brown soliders. To my amazement when I stood up, 2 of them were oddly shaped like a question mark - which led me to the term ‘question mark dump’ or if you like ‘a riddlers dump’.

And funny I should mention this story,as a friend of mine remarked at the weekend a dump where you go and feel that a large one has deposited yet nothing is there upon examination, we agreed on 2 terms for this phenomenom: ‘ghost dump’ or ‘phantom dump’.

[quote=“DonkeyTail”]
And funny I should mention this story,as a friend of mine remarked at the weekend a dump where you go and feel that a large one has deposited yet nothing is there upon examination, we agreed on 2 terms for this phenomenom: ‘ghost dump’ or ‘phantom dump’.[/quote]

This has been happening a lot to me recently. I have made up for it by having about three of them a day but it’s still not ideal. I am thinking of the heightened use of bog roll and it’s knock-on effect on my arse and wallet.

This could also be called a ‘Stephen Ireland dump’ in that you look around for it and it’s nowhere to be seen and you don’t have a clue where it is or if it was even there in the first place.

Had to avail of the jacks just after Lunch again. Had a few pints Sunday night so between work being busy I didn’t get to go yday until I was home; and it was a rale under the stairs job, you boys know what I’m talking about… to bad to go into the communal jacks, no way would you go into the en suite, so it’s in under the stairs for the plop plop, wipe wipe. Middle slot and was really getting into a game of Sudoku when I was flanked to my left with a guy who was breathing very heavily. Quit the game and got the fook out of there to sounds of thunder coming from the other lads bowls (shudder)

what’s people’s record number of dumps in one day? my working day (i.e. 9 to 5) record is seven which i did about 3 years ago. the reason i remember it so vividly is that (apart from my ass looking like the japanese flag for a week) it was the day after a heavy session and apart from looking to focus on anything other than work, myself and one of the lads knew a good portion of the day would be spent in the jacks so we decided to have a “dump-off” and see who could unleash the most hell. final score was 7-6 to me. for accuracy reasons and to avoid cheating we had an independent 3rd party observer / tallyman who was keeping score. anytime one of us felt the urge we’d stand up and give the tallyman the nod so he could note the time, then we’d send him an email afterwards describing what left through the rear exit so he could decide if it merited inclusion in the competition (stringy bits, brown pulp, chocolate puree, rabbit droppings were all excluded, it had to be a log 2 fingers in width and the length of your first finger to qualify) then he’d send around a spreadsheet with the score every hour. It was a great way to pass the time and the competitive edge was evident at lunchtime with the choice of food - fry up with extra egg and beans for me and nothing but fruit for the other guy. In hindsight it was a bit odd that the tallyman took such an interest though

I had 3x2 logs in one day, would that count?*

*I E-mailed the World Toilet Organisation and am dying for a response.

Went into the bathroom earlier this morning and traps 1, 2 and 4 were occupied. Trap 3 was vacant but the toilet lid was down…so what did I do?

Anyone reading this thread already will know the answer:

Did an immediate u-turn and went to the bathroom on another floor where a vacant trap 4 was a pleasant sight - well at least until I had finished in there anyway.

Toilet etiquette, like modern day rugby union and association football, is constantly evolving and changing. Has anybody been party to any major toilet incidents that might impact on forum members since we last visited this subject?

I always find the following weird:

Lads going into a cubicle to piss but leaving the door wide open behind them. It’s something you often see at matches but I just witnessed it in work here. What’s the story with it? Either piss at the urinal or close the fooking door if you’re going into the cubicle.

Was thinking of this thread earlier. Spent most of the yesterday evening and last night drinking Guinness and feeling the effects of it now. Wouldnt like to be the fella that uses the jacks after me today.

hey is that one of the Jacob’s surrendering?

Had to stop using my favourite trap3 location for dropping off the kids at work and move to a solitary cubicle which is miles away on the far end of the building.
The reason being for the past 6months there is a pretty sick individual(I like to call him “The Phantom Snot Flicker of Trap3”) who every single day while doing his business must sit there firing the biggest greenest snots(most at least 1cm in length) at the back of the toilet door.
Now I have no problem with someone bombing a toilet so that it’s a no/go area for 45minutes or so(I’ve bombed quiet a few in my time and will gladly bomb again) as long as the offending material is all contained within the toilet bowl paramater.
This is indeed totally unacceptable toilet ettiquette and even more worrying is on my last visit to trap3 someone had drawn a dart board around the offending bogeys.
Either that or “The Phantom Snot Flicker Of Trap3” himself drew the dartboard before settling down for his dump which is even more worrying.
If this was the case it was immense shooting of the highest order, two treble 18s and a bullseye for a score of 158, high quality stuff indeed.

There are two cubicles in the jacks where I work. While they are side-by-side, they dont however follow the traditional formation: instead of the bowls facing you head-on when you enter, they are at 90 degrees to the door and so facing each other, separated only by the flimsiest material imaginable. In addition, the gaps between floor and partition and partition and ceiling are greater than average.

The upshot of all of this is that if you are enjoying an otherwise pleasant dump on the Mans time and a colleague finds himself on the same bowel-cycle, you end up in a veritable shit-off, staring the other lad in the whites of the eyes were it not for the little bit of plywood. A faecal head-to-head where than can be no real winners.

The unpleasantness can be compounded if your competitor is one of those heavy breather types the worst kind of co-dumper if you ask me.

Finally I try attempt one two strategies when joined by a colleague on the opposite throne. Either hurry the f*ck up and get out of there to avoid the dreaded meeting at the sink, or pause the hole (sic) show to let them conclude promptly so as I can go back to my enjoyment. I find that after a while you can get to know your colleagues footfalls, routines, splashes etc and from this recognise if they are lingerers or swifties and adapt your own behaviour accordingly. This takes some time to get a handle on though and making those tough calls in the first few weeks or even months of a new job can be fraught with dangers

Some excellent points there PC’sN1P. Personally, I like to enjoy a good shit so I rarely engage in competitive shit-offs in work. Instead, as you mention, I prefer to pause and read the internet on my phone while some random colleague loudly soils the toilet bowl in a neighbouring cubicle. Then when they leave I resume - the effect is that my toilets visits in work can often last up to 20 minutes. Hower, I remain adamant that I’m underpaid.

What do people tend to do when they enter the jacks, see all but one cublicle occupied and a colleague at the sink viciously scrubbing his hands? You know he’s just vacated it and odds on it’s not going to be pleasant in the near future.
a) If you walk to the cubicle door, cop a whiff, gag, turn around and dash out the door and head to the jacks on the next floor you risk offending and embarrassing the chap. That’s grand if you don’t know him and probably fair enough if you just don’t like him but it could lead to future awkwardness.
http://www.thefreekick.com/board/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/cool.gif You hang around the sink area for a while pretending to wash your hands or fix your tie or something, but then you look like a bit of a fag/weirdo/toilet loiterer. You also run the risk of the guy starting a conversation with you which is a major no no especially if you have a turtle neck hanging out. The fook could also stand at the door chatting until you either leave the room with him or else decide you just have to wander in and drop the kids off but not enough time would have elapsed to make the cubicle usable again so it’s pretty pointless.
c) Bite the bullet, be a man, just head in regardless and take your shit whatever the consequences.
d) This is my preferred option. Walk in like a man on a mission, head straight to the vacant cubicle, lock the door, hold your breath / cover your nose and wait. Wait until he leaves, slowly and gently open the door, creep towards the exit and when a safe distance inhale again. Then walk out and head to the nearest alternative jacks. The downside of this manoever is it takes time, time you don’t always have. It’s also complicated by the presence of a third party at the urinal or if the fook at the sink starts brushing his teeth, which often happens between 9 to 10am and 2 to 3pm.

Just destroyed trap 3 in work here. Basically, I’ve been pissing out of my arse all day after last night’s feed of pints. Does anyone else suffer from this affliction? Have been crapping pools of brown water all day with the odd pebble thrown in for good measure. It’s awfully painful and stings the ring off you. I just wanted to share that.