Bandage,
The time comes in every friendship* where a bloke has to tell another bloke, man to man, that he should see a doctor about his shits.
You told me that you had to have a shit about ten times on the day of Rockoās wedding. Each time you were in there for approximately 15 minutes without any reading matter of any description.
Now you are pissing through your arseā¦
Enough is enough
I read the internet on my phone Farmer during my bathroom visits but I appreciate your concern all the same and agree that I should get someone to look at my arse. Preferably a doctor of some description.
[quote=āJugsā]What do people tend to do when they enter the jacks, see all but one cublicle occupied and a colleague at the sink viciously scrubbing his hands? You know heās just vacated it and odds on itās not going to be pleasant in the near future.
a) If you walk to the cubicle door, cop a whiff, gag, turn around and dash out the door and head to the jacks on the next floor you risk offending and embarrassing the chap. Thatās grand if you donāt know him and probably fair enough if you just donāt like him but it could lead to future awkwardness.
http://www.thefreekick.com/board/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/cool.gif You hang around the sink area for a while pretending to wash your hands or fix your tie or something, but then you look like a bit of a fag/weirdo/toilet loiterer. You also run the risk of the guy starting a conversation with you which is a major no no especially if you have a turtle neck hanging out. The fook could also stand at the door chatting until you either leave the room with him or else decide you just have to wander in and drop the kids off but not enough time would have elapsed to make the cubicle usable again so itās pretty pointless.
c) Bite the bullet, be a man, just head in regardless and take your shit whatever the consequences.
d) This is my preferred option. Walk in like a man on a mission, head straight to the vacant cubicle, lock the door, hold your breath / cover your nose and wait. Wait until he leaves, slowly and gently open the door, creep towards the exit and when a safe distance inhale again. Then walk out and head to the nearest alternative jacks. The downside of this manoever is it takes time, time you donāt always have. Itās also complicated by the presence of a third party at the urinal or if the fook at the sink starts brushing his teeth, which often happens between 9 to 10am and 2 to 3pm.[/quote]
Best solution in that situation is just to pretend you were only going for a Jimmy Riddle and use the urinal. Calmly do this, wash your hands and leave. Head straight to another floor then.
The same thing has been happening me roughly 2/3 times a week for the past few weeks, was up at 6am this morning on the toilet reading FourFourTwo. First attack lasted 20 mins and I was back on it again half an hour later. No points involved in the past week which maskes it all the more worrying.
Lord Jaysus, some lads have no ettiquete whatsoever.
Was just going for a slash there. Only 2 urinals in my closest jacks at work, both tucked in behind the door. Two cubicles also. I walked into a completely empty jacks, and whip out my todger. No sooner have I aimed, than some absolute cunt bustles into the jacks and proceeds to try piss beside me while starting a chat. I say try, because both of us spent about 10 uncomfortable seconds without a drop of urine being emmitted. Being the bigger man, I zipped up and proceeded to the hand basin. Yer man still hadnt started as I fucked off out the door.
I took a shit this morning which made me squeal as i was trying to push it out. It was fooking enormous. It was one of those ones where you have to talk to yourself as youāre heaving and convince yourself that your hole is actually wide enough to get this bugger out. It stretched from the front to the back of the bowl but the sheer girth was something iāve never seen before.
Thatās sounds like a dinger of a shit.
You get a great aul feeling after a shit like that. No fallen men left behind, a clean getaway. Air penetrates areas it hasnāt in a while.
A dinger Indeed.
A word of warning to anyone whoās thinking of trying a few of those pear bulmers pint bottles. Had 8 of them yesterday, was home early and ate three small ham cheese and onion rolls when I got in from the boozer.
Hadnāt even eaten an hour when I got the most explosive dose of scutters Iāve ever experienced. Everytime I thought I was done and had finally got my hole wiped clean, another mass explosion occured. The entire toilet bowl looked as if someone had planted a stick of dynamite in a bag of shit, lit the fuse and closed the lid. Awful stuff, at one stage I actually cried, a word of warning to ye allā¦
you gotta love cider, some job to clean you out, rancid stuff
Good job I hadnāt ate any of Dunphās favsā¦Rustlers or I mightnāt be alive today to tell the tale.
I had three pear ciders last night, very nice and refreshing for a summers evening. Still havenāt hit the throne yet though and now Iām worriedā¦
I heard testemony from somebody at the weekend who stated that they were passing a resemblance of rusty water for 24 hours after 6 bottles of the stuff.
Be warned.
This Pear Cider thing is interesting and might merit further investigation on my part with a view to going on a session of it,
answer me this,does it taste completely different to ordinary cider?(i hate that shit),is it the same %vol?,would it go down fairly easy of a Summers evening?.Im a Smithwicks drinker myself but its heavy going in the Warm weather,i usually switch to bottles of Carling XL for the Summer its grand stuff but the hangovers are tough and i often feel left out being the only lad in the beergarden not drinking Cider with a pint glass of ice.
Itās ok. Not as nice as pear Kopparberg.
Not sure if it did me any damage. Iāll keep it in mind next time.
[quote=ācluaindiuicā]Itās ok. Not as nice as pear Kopparberg.
Not sure if it did me any damage. Iāll keep it in mind next time.[/quote]
Didnāt do me any damage at all, had an enjoyable movement this evening, the kind of one that warrents nay toilet paper at all.
Agreed that itās not as nice as the Kopparberg, but it doesnāt have the tear a hole in the side of your stomach factor that apple ciders seem to have. Iād say go for it LINK, if worse comes to worse youāll only lose a day to the pot and your insides will be nice and refreshed after it.
[quote=āballoobasluvsbeerā]A word of warning to anyone whoās thinking of trying a few of those pear bulmers pint bottles. Had 8 of them yesterday, was home early and ate three small ham cheese and onion rolls when I got in from the boozer.
Hadnāt even eaten an hour when I got the most explosive dose of scutters Iāve ever experienced. Everytime I thought I was done and had finally got my hole wiped clean, another mass explosion occured. The entire toilet bowl looked as if someone had planted a stick of dynamite in a bag of shit, lit the fuse and closed the lid. Awful stuff, at one stage I actually cried, a word of warning to ye allā¦[/QUOTE]
Agreed. Sunday was not a fun day.
[quote=āballoobasluvsbeerā]A word of warning to anyone whoās thinking of trying a few of those pear bulmers pint bottles. Had 8 of them yesterday, was home early and ate three small ham cheese and onion rolls when I got in from the boozer.
Hadnāt even eaten an hour when I got the most explosive dose of scutters Iāve ever experienced. Everytime I thought I was done and had finally got my hole wiped clean, another mass explosion occured. The entire toilet bowl looked as if someone had planted a stick of dynamite in a bag of shit, lit the fuse and closed the lid. Awful stuff, at one stage I actually cried, a word of warning to ye allā¦[/QUOTE]
Thatās hilarious ballooba if somewhat unsettling. 
[quote=āTHE LINK WALSHā]This Pear Cider thing is interesting and might merit further investigation on my part with a view to going on a session of it,
answer me this,does it taste completely different to ordinary cider?(i hate that shit),is it the same %vol?,would it go down fairly easy of a Summers evening?.Im a Smithwicks drinker myself but its heavy going in the Warm weather,i usually switch to bottles of Carling XL for the Summer its grand stuff but the hangovers are tough and i often feel left out being the only lad in the beergarden not drinking Cider with a pint glass of ice.[/QUOTE]
It tastes nothing like the apple cider Link, I find those hard to take after about three. Also there seems to be no heartburn factor with the Pear stuff. Itās real easy to drink and ideal for a sunny day as itās refreshing. As far as I remember itās 4.5% that was wrote on the bottle. Iām off work on Wednesday and Iāll have about 6 for the match. If I suffer the same fireworks from my arse again that evening though it will be the last time I consume it. I shall report back on Thursday on the state and health of my arsehole after it.
Just in from the boozer, never again will I touch that pear cider craic. Had 9pint bottles of it tonight. During the course of the 9 I had a dinner, 2normal shites, 4 doses of the scutters in the pub and just home now, have a pizza on and hopefully no more watery shites to follow.
Sickens me as I love the taste of it and itās easy to consume.